An I.O.C. spokesperson confirmed that handwashing is now an official Olympic sport. “A Toronto colorectal surgeon has reportedly washed for 43 hours straight,” he noted. “With all the practice people are getting, the competition looks to be quite spirited.”
U.S. intelligence agents have uncovered a recent Russian plot to erase and replace Mt. Rushmore’s classic faces on the eve of July 4, 2020. Hundreds of robot sculptors were discovered in an underground bunker in Fargo, North Dakota.
The World Health Organization has confirmed that the coronavirus has agreed, in principle, to leave the planet Earth. “I’ll certainly miss the fun of terrifying billions of humans,” said the dreaded germ. “But I hear there’s life on Mars. Sounds promising.”
Deeming him our “last hope,” a CDC official confirmed the Pied Piper will soon begin playing his pipe flute all over the U.S. “He got the pigs to follow him when swine flu broke out in 2009,” she explained. “We’ve got our fingers crossed.”
Led by a desperate father of 9, a group of pistol-packing locals has surrounded the East Camelback Road 7-Eleven for over three days. “We know there’s a 12-roll pack in there,” said Bret S., an off-duty security guard. “And we’re gonna get it.”
The Federal government has ordered 330 million cootie catchers to be manufactured immediately to combat the coronavirus. “We’ve tried everything. This kills the virus instantly,” explained Frederick K., an NIH immunologist. The National Cootie Association has filed a $10 billion anti-defamation lawsuit against the government, claiming cooties have been unfairly targeted for the epidemic.
“We can’t keep up with the demand for these new isolation tanks,” a Hershey spokesperson explained. “When people are stressed, they want chocolate.”
“For the foreseeable future, I plan to wait this thing out soaking in chocolate bliss,” explained Hector L. of Seattle, Washington. “Just hope my Kindle® doesn’t run out of juice.”
An early-morning raid by revenue agents of Mr. Claus’s Canadian headquarters in northern Nunavut yielded evidence linking the famed gift-giver to decades of payments from leading toy, electronics and clothing manufacturers. “I did it for the children,” he explained.