Due to the recent increase in hacking of The Supreme Being’s communications, He/She/They Has/Have put a new layer of security in place. Those seeking counsel will now be required to verify his/her/their identity by entering a 28-character code sent to them by The Almighty. Gambling assistance will no longer include prayers related to NFL fantasy or three-way parlays.
French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee
French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee
With cries of “Remember Agincourt” filling the air, French naval forces attacked southern England for the first time in over 200 years. Brandishing a rock-hard week-old baguette, one eager assailant promised, “The white cliffs of Dover will glisten with burgundy red English blood!” When notified of the unexpected incursion, the Queen reportedly responded, “Cancel my crème brûlée!”
Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed
Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed
“They can’t quit!” lamented Steve K. of Sausalito, CA. “ I mean, who’s going to remind me to buy more milk?” “Or replay my “Breakfast Club” mix for the billionth time?” shrieked a panicked Ellen C. of Omaha, NE. Calls to Alexa and Siri’s agent were not returned. However, a late-night Tweet mentioned something about “taking our new band on the road.”
Turkey Invades Grease
Turkey Invades Grease
Armies of Birds Threaten to Cover Millions of Kitchens in Grease
With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.
Fast-Spreading Mu Variant Causing Catlike Symptoms in Thousands
Fast-Spreading Mu Variant Causing Catlike Symptoms in Thousands
Litter Sales Soar as Americans Switch from Toilets to Litter Boxes
Secret Amazon® Shipping Tunnel thru Earth Revealed
Secret Amazon® Shipping Tunnel thru Earth Revealed
System of Crack-Fueled Moles Speeds Cargo from China to Warehouses
Two local teens from Salina, Kansas may have unearthed the secret of Amazon’s speedy delivery of international goods. “We spotted two moles wearing smiley-face backpacks scurrying out of a big hole behind the 7-Eleven,” explained Kyle S. “Jake and I grabbed some Slim Jim’s® and went exploring. Wound up in some place called Shenzhen.” The ASPCA has filed a $100 billion lawsuit against Amazon for animal cruelty.
Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition
Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition
Mattress Jumping, Rec Room Relay Races Also Added
An I.O.C. spokesperson confirmed that handwashing is now an official Olympic sport. “A Toronto colorectal surgeon has reportedly washed for 43 hours straight,” he noted. “With all the practice people are getting, the competition looks to be quite spirited.”