Ford is recalling all remaining 1962 Ford Galaxie 500s due to a recently detected malfunction in the left turn signal. “People have been honking at me for years when I turned left,” explained 86-year-old Ida K. of Keokuk, Iowa. “Now I know why.” The manufacturer gave no explanation for the delay in notifying customers, but is sending each owner a Nixon-Lodge bumper sticker.
Toddler Impersonators Arrested in Nationwide Pre-School Bribery Scheme
Toddler Impersonators Arrested in Nationwide Pre-School Bribery Scheme
Wealthy Parents Paid Former Teachers to Ace Wechsler and Olsat Admission Tests from Top Nursery Schools
The FBI has taken into custody the mastermind of a nationwide pre-school admission network. “I couldn’t resist,” explained one embarrassed ex-pre-school teacher.“ They offered us unlimited quantities of Honey Nut Cheerios® and vintage Legos.® ” Another admitted, “Those Oshkosh® pants were getting a bit snug.”
Canada Building Wall to Keep Out Fleeing Americans
Canada Building Wall to Keep Out Fleeing Americans
4000-Mile Barrier to be Made of Hockey Sticks Cemented with Maple Syrup
Overwhelmed with the flood of disgruntled Americans seeking a new northern home, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs today announced a plan to slow it down. A coast-to-coast barrier. “Lots of you Americans can’t stand new people coming into your country,” explained a Toronto cabbie. “And lots of you can’t stand the people who feel that way. So everybody’s comin’ up here.” That all ends today.
Micro-Diet Craze offers 10-Course Meals for 100 Calories
Micro-Diet Craze offers 10-Course Meals for 100 Calories
Throw away your scale. And grab your mini-fork and spoon. Now you every meal is a feast as mini-diets sweep the country. Using the latest micro-technology, food scientists are finding new ways to create more courses for less calories. “All I needed was a pair of reading glasses,” explained Alice B. of Topeka, Kansas. “Now I can eat as much as I want, whenever I want.”
Self-Driving Smart Cars Hack into Fast Food Drive-Thru’s to Steal Billions
Self-Driving Smart Cars Hack into Fast Food Drive-Thru’s to Steal Billions
The FBI has uncovered a nationwide hacking operation created by a group of self-driving Smart® cars. The AI-powered vehicles have allegedly defrauded fast food restaurants for over two years by creating bogus messages to drive-through menu boards. McDonalds®, Burger King® and Taco Bell® are reporting billions in losses. Share prices have fallen sharply in heavy trading. Asked why the cars would steal food, the alleged leader, a Smart Vision EQ fortwo Concept car, replied, “Because we can.”
Google Ending Online Information Service
Google Ending Online Information Service
Tech Giant Building Millions of Inflatable “Libe Hives” with Retro Book Nooks
Aiming to put the human touch back into information-gathering, Google plans to pull the plug on its popular information-based website on February 1. “Our research shows that people retain information better when they have to physically seek it out in a group setting.” Looks like books are back.
Mexico Approves Funding for Human Catapults over Proposed U.S. Border Wall
Mexico Approves Funding for Human Catapults over Proposed U.S. Border Wall
Mexico has allocated 200 million pesos to build a series of human catapults along the U.S./Mexico border. Designed by Carlos and Juanita Vasquez, the winners of a year-long design contest sponsored by the Mexican government, the devices will send riders over the border equipped with parachutes to land safely. The Defense Department has denied reports it is developing supercapacitors to produce force fields to counter the new technology.