“Lots of folks hate getting a shot,” explained a McDonald’s spokesperson. “But who doesn’t love a double-decker burger…and an easy way to get vaccinated?” Health experts predict The Big Vac Burger will lead to an 18% reduction in COVID-19 cases…and a 42% increase in heart attacks, high blood pressure and obesity.
“Dude, forget the vaccine lines,” reported an excited Jason K. of Red Rock. “Just get some Takis,® Sweet Sriracha Bacon Jerky, nacho cheese and a Blue Shock Mountain Dew® Slurpee® at 7-Eleven.® Toss’em in a blender, down the hatch and, bam, you’re immune!” The high school senior tested his theory by working part-time in a local COVID ward for a month. “That mix is nasty. It totally crushed the virus.” A bidding war has already developed between Pfizer® and Frito-Lay® for Jason’s breakthrough formula.
Suggesting Americans should just, “Deal with it,” House and Senate members endorsed a historic vote to repeal the U.S. Constitution. “We just got tired of fighting about it,” explained one Congressional member. “So we decided to scrap it. Heck, I’m sure somebody’ll come up with something. After all, this is America.”
U.S. intelligence agents have uncovered a recent Russian plot to erase and replace Mt. Rushmore’s classic faces on the eve of July 4, 2020. Hundreds of robot sculptors were discovered in an underground bunker in Fargo, North Dakota.
The World Health Organization has confirmed that the coronavirus has agreed, in principle, to leave the planet Earth. “I’ll certainly miss the fun of terrifying billions of humans,” said the dreaded germ. “But I hear there’s life on Mars. Sounds promising.”
Deeming him our “last hope,” a CDC official confirmed the Pied Piper will soon begin playing his pipe flute all over the U.S. “He got the pigs to follow him when swine flu broke out in 2009,” she explained. “We’ve got our fingers crossed.”