Breaking Wind Archives

Russia Exchanges Brittany Griner for Shipload of Skittles®

Thanks to Vladimir Putin’s sweet tooth, Brittany Griner is heading home, as a cargo ship packed with his favorite Skittles approaches Novorossiysk harbor. The 11^th hour exchange occurred after hackers revealed hundreds of MARS® candy purchases in Putin’s Amazon® account.

God Announces New Verification Codes for Advice Seekers

Due to the recent increase in hacking of The Supreme Being’s communications, He/She/They Has/Have put a new layer of security in place. Those seeking counsel will now be required to verify his/her/their identity by entering a 28-character code sent to them by The Almighty. Gambling assistance will no longer include prayers related to NFL fantasy or three-way parlays.

French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee

With cries of “Remember Agincourt” filling the air, French naval forces attacked southern England for the first time in over 200 years. Brandishing a rock-hard week-old baguette, one eager assailant promised, “The white cliffs of Dover will glisten with burgundy red English blood!” When notified of the unexpected incursion, the Queen reportedly responded, “Cancel my crème brûlée!”

Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed

“They can’t quit!” lamented Steve K. of Sausalito, CA. “ I mean, who’s going to remind me to buy more milk?” “Or replay my “Breakfast Club” mix for the billionth time?” shrieked a panicked Ellen C. of Omaha, NE. Calls to Alexa and Siri’s agent were not returned. However, a late-night Tweet mentioned something about “taking our new band on the road.”

DNA Test Reveals Australia Man and Local Kangaroo Had Same Great-Grandfather

“When the results came back, I was not surprised,” explained Brisbane native, Jack L. “She has been peering in our windows for years. Plus, she’s a dead ringer for my Aunt Margaret.” When interviewed, the kangaroo had no comment. But asked to take a selfie with the reporter.

Domino’s Seeks Drivers for Highway Delivery to Moving Cars

Love thrills? Need ca$h? Domino’s Pizza® is now hiring drivers to deliver pizza to moving cars. Learn to put your bike on cruise control and deliver large pepperonis at speeds up to 60 mph. Free training. No experience needed. If interested, apply at unsafe_at_any_speed@dominos.com

Turkey Invades Grease

Armies of Birds Threaten to Cover Millions of Kitchens in Grease

With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.

Fast-Spreading Mu Variant Causing Catlike Symptoms in Thousands

Litter Sales Soar as Americans Switch from Toilets to Litter Boxes

“Last night I woke up with this crazy urge to scratch everything in sight,” recalled dazed Becca L., a Mizzou freshman. “Then I climbed out the dorm

window and scampered up the roof!”

Pfizer and Moderna have reported some success with new vaccines derived from hairball follicles.

Secret Amazon® Shipping Tunnel thru Earth Revealed

System of Crack-Fueled Moles Speeds Cargo from China to Warehouses

Two local teens from Salina, Kansas may have unearthed the secret of Amazon’s speedy delivery of international goods. “We spotted two moles wearing smiley-face backpacks scurrying out of a big hole behind the 7-Eleven,” explained Kyle S. “Jake and I grabbed some Slim Jim’s® and went exploring. Wound up in some place called Shenzhen.” The ASPCA has filed a $100 billion lawsuit against Amazon for animal cruelty.

Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition

Mattress Jumping, Rec Room Relay Races Also Added

An I.O.C. spokesperson confirmed that handwashing is now an official Olympic sport. “A Toronto colorectal surgeon has reportedly washed for 43 hours straight,” he noted. “With all the practice people are getting, the competition looks to be quite spirited.”