French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee

French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee

With cries of “Remember Agincourt” filling the air, French naval forces attacked southern England for the first time in over 200 years. Brandishing a rock-hard week-old baguette, one eager assailant promised, “The white cliffs of Dover will glisten with burgundy red English blood!” When notified of the unexpected incursion, the Queen reportedly responded, “Cancel my crème brûlée!”

Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed

Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed

“They can’t quit!” lamented Steve K. of Sausalito, CA. “ I mean, who’s going to remind me to buy more milk?” “Or replay my “Breakfast Club” mix for the billionth time?” shrieked a panicked Ellen C. of Omaha, NE. Calls to Alexa and Siri’s agent were not returned. However, a late-night Tweet mentioned something about “taking our new band on the road.”

Turkey Invades Grease

Turkey Invades Grease

Armies of Birds Threaten to Cover Millions of Kitchens in Grease

With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.

Fast-Spreading Mu Variant Causing Catlike Symptoms in Thousands

Fast-Spreading Mu Variant Causing Catlike Symptoms in Thousands

Litter Sales Soar as Americans Switch from Toilets to Litter Boxes

“Last night I woke up with this crazy urge to scratch everything in sight,” recalled dazed Becca L., a Mizzou freshman. “Then I climbed out the dorm
window and scampered up the roof!”
Pfizer and Moderna have reported some success with new vaccines derived from hairball follicles.

Secret Amazon® Shipping Tunnel thru Earth Revealed

Secret Amazon® Shipping Tunnel thru Earth Revealed

System of Crack-Fueled Moles Speeds Cargo from China to Warehouses

Two local teens from Salina, Kansas may have unearthed the secret of Amazon’s speedy delivery of international goods. “We spotted two moles wearing smiley-face backpacks scurrying out of a big hole behind the 7-Eleven,” explained Kyle S. “Jake and I grabbed some Slim Jim’s® and went exploring. Wound up in some place called Shenzhen.” The ASPCA has filed a $100 billion lawsuit against Amazon for animal cruelty.