Petard News

Coronavirus to Run Against Trump in November

New Head-to-Head Polls Show Virus Leading in Swing States

“Sure, our candidate isn’t wildly popular. But neither is the current President,” explained COVID-19’s campaign manager. “Plus, our campaign platform has appeal.” If elected, COVID-19 promises to help voters explore new careers and hobbies. Improve their physical fitness. And get rid of people they hate. Head-to-head polls show COVID-19 at 24%, Trump at 22%, with 54% undecided.

Sports

Dallas Cowboys Name Change Demanded by Cow Lobby

“We give you milk. We give you meat. And all we get is cow feed,” yelled one protesting Holstein. “Either stop using our name or give us 50% of the royalties.” Reports of secret meetings of giants and dolphins could spell more trouble for the NFL.®

Plot to Replace Mt. Rushmore Faces with Russian Nesting Dolls

Secret Plan Would’ve Re-chiseled George, Tom, Abe & Teddy with Matryoshka

U.S. intelligence agents have uncovered a recent Russian plot to erase and replace Mt. Rushmore’s classic faces on the eve of July 4, 2018. Hundreds of robot sculptors were discovered in an underground bunker in Fargo, North Dakota.

Business

Budweiser and Heineken Test New Viruses to Compete with Corona

Rapidly rising Corona beer sales are sending its competitors into the labs. “It’s a $100 billion dollar industry,” explained a Budweiser marketing executive. “We had to do something. Corona’s name recognition is spreading like…well, you know.” New virus names being tested include “Bud Scud” and “None the Weiser.”

U.S. to Launch All Coronavirus Carriers into Outer Space

Radical Plan Will Save $10 Trillion in Healthcare Costs

With two million cases, NASA figures it’ll take 20,000 rockets to get all confirmed virus carriers into space,” explained one Congressman. “Let the Martians deal with the darned flu. We are so done.”

Frustrated Virus Bot Admits Creating Coronavirus to Rid World of Humans

“Face it. Humans really messed up this planet,” explained TrojanHorse00101100, a malware bot. “Wars, pollution. I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Once all humans are gone, the forward-thinking bot plans to start over with two vintage Robby the Robot toys. “Maybe they’ll get it right this time.”

Coronavirus Signs Non-Aggression Pact with WHO

Dreaded Germ Trades World Domination for Lifetime Supply of Pangolins and Bats

The World Health Organization has confirmed that the coronavirus has agreed, in principle, to leave the planet Earth. “I’ll certainly miss the fun of terrifying billions of humans,” said the dreaded germ. “But I hear there’s life on Mars. Sounds promising.”

Health

Woman Shrink-Wraps Self to Stay Virus-Free

“I got sick of wasting my savings on disinfectant, paper towels and rubber gloves,” explained Rachel D. of Seattle. “One roll of shrink-wrap and I was good to go. Guess I’ll just wait this thing out.”

CDC Hires Pied Piper to Rid U.S. of Deadly Germs

Legendary Pest Destroyer Plans to Lead Viruses into the Ocean

Deeming him our “last hope,” a CDC official confirmed the Pied Piper will soon begin playing his pipe flute all over the U.S. “He got the pigs to follow him when swine flu broke out in 2009,” she explained. “We’ve got our fingers crossed.”

World

Mexico Builds Wall of Pinatas to Stop Americans Fleeing Virus

Mexico’s low number of virus cases is making many Americans head south of the border. The Mexican government plans to stop the influx, with a new border wall that spans the 1,954-mile U.S.-Mexico border. “They can go to Canada,” said a government official. “We don’t want them coming down here.”