“We give you milk. We give you meat. And all we get is cow feed,” yelled one protesting Holstein. “Either stop using our name or give us 50% of the royalties.” Reports of secret meetings of giants and dolphins could spell more trouble for the NFL.®
Plot to Replace Mt. Rushmore Faces with Russian Nesting Dolls
Plot to Replace Mt. Rushmore Faces with Russian Nesting Dolls
Secret Plan Would’ve Re-chiseled George, Tom, Abe & Teddy with Matryoshka
U.S. intelligence agents have uncovered a recent Russian plot to erase and replace Mt. Rushmore’s classic faces on the eve of July 4, 2020. Hundreds of robot sculptors were discovered in an underground bunker in Fargo, North Dakota.
Budweiser and Heineken Test New Viruses to Compete with Corona
Budweiser and Heineken Test New Viruses to Compete with Corona
Rapidly rising Corona beer sales are sending its competitors into the labs. “It’s a $100 billion dollar industry,” explained a Budweiser marketing executive. “We had to do something. Corona’s name recognition is spreading like…well, you know.” New virus names being tested include “Bud Scud” and “None the Weiser.”
Coronavirus Signs Non-Aggression Pact with WHO
Coronavirus Signs Non-Aggression Pact with WHO
Dreaded Germ Trades World Domination for Lifetime Supply of Pangolins and Bats
The World Health Organization has confirmed that the coronavirus has agreed, in principle, to leave the planet Earth. “I’ll certainly miss the fun of terrifying billions of humans,” said the dreaded germ. “But I hear there’s life on Mars. Sounds promising.”
CDC Hires Pied Piper to Rid U.S. of Deadly Germs
CDC Hires Pied Piper to Rid U.S. of Deadly Germs
Legendary Pest Destroyer Plans to Lead Viruses into the Ocean
Deeming him our “last hope,” a CDC official confirmed the Pied Piper will soon begin playing his pipe flute all over the U.S. “He got the pigs to follow him when swine flu broke out in 2009,” she explained. “We’ve got our fingers crossed.”