Ford is recalling all remaining 1962 Ford Galaxie 500s due to a recently detected malfunction in the left turn signal. “People have been honking at me for years when I turned left,” explained 86-year-old Ida K. of Keokuk, Iowa. “Now I know why.” The manufacturer gave no explanation for the delay in notifying customers, but is sending each owner a Nixon-Lodge bumper sticker.
Toddler Impersonators Arrested in Nationwide Pre-School Bribery Scheme
Toddler Impersonators Arrested in Nationwide Pre-School Bribery Scheme
Wealthy Parents Paid Former Teachers to Ace Wechsler and Olsat Admission Tests from Top Nursery Schools
The FBI has taken into custody the mastermind of a nationwide pre-school admission network. “I couldn’t resist,” explained one embarrassed ex-pre-school teacher.“ They offered us unlimited quantities of Honey Nut Cheerios® and vintage Legos.® ” Another admitted, “Those Oshkosh® pants were getting a bit snug.”
Canada Building Wall to Keep Out Fleeing Americans
Canada Building Wall to Keep Out Fleeing Americans
4000-Mile Barrier to be Made of Hockey Sticks Cemented with Maple Syrup
Overwhelmed with the flood of disgruntled Americans seeking a new northern home, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs today announced a plan to slow it down. A coast-to-coast barrier. “Lots of you Americans can’t stand new people coming into your country,” explained a Toronto cabbie. “And lots of you can’t stand the people who feel that way. So everybody’s comin’ up here.” That all ends today.
Micro-Diet Craze offers 10-Course Meals for 100 Calories
Micro-Diet Craze offers 10-Course Meals for 100 Calories
Throw away your scale. And grab your mini-fork and spoon. Now you every meal is a feast as mini-diets sweep the country. Using the latest micro-technology, food scientists are finding new ways to create more courses for less calories. “All I needed was a pair of reading glasses,” explained Alice B. of Topeka, Kansas. “Now I can eat as much as I want, whenever I want.”
Player or team with highest score #1 factor in almost all sports wins.
Player or team with highest score #1 factor in almost all sports wins.
Who needs analytics? A team of sportso-statologists has concluded that the player or team with the most points wins 99.99% of all contests. After examining results from millions of competitions in the last 500 years, researchers came to this duh conclusion. Notable exceptions included golf, 8-ball and darts.
Self-Driving Smart Cars Hack into Fast Food Drive-Thru’s to Steal Billions
Self-Driving Smart Cars Hack into Fast Food Drive-Thru’s to Steal Billions
The FBI has uncovered a nationwide hacking operation created by a group of self-driving Smart® cars. The AI-powered vehicles have allegedly defrauded fast food restaurants for over two years by creating bogus messages to drive-through menu boards. McDonalds®, Burger King® and Taco Bell® are reporting billions in losses. Share prices have fallen sharply in heavy trading. Asked why the cars would steal food, the alleged leader, a Smart Vision EQ fortwo Concept car, replied, “Because we can.”