McDonalds® and Pfizer® Create New Big Vac Burger®

McDonalds® and Pfizer® Create New Big Vac Burger®

Vaccine-Hesitant Customers Flock to Mickey D’s® for Special Sauce

“Lots of folks hate getting a shot,” explained a McDonald’s spokesperson. “But who doesn’t love a double-decker burger…and an easy way to get vaccinated?” Health experts predict The Big Vac Burger will lead to an 18% reduction in COVID-19 cases…and a 42% increase in heart attacks, high blood pressure and obesity.

Tucson Stoner Finds 7-Eleven® Snacks Make You Immune to COVID

Tucson Stoner Finds 7-Eleven® Snacks Make You Immune to COVID

“Dude, forget the vaccine lines,” reported an excited Jason K. of Red Rock. “Just get some Takis,® Sweet Sriracha Bacon Jerky, nacho cheese and a Blue Shock Mountain Dew® Slurpee® at 7-Eleven.® Toss’em in a blender, down the hatch and, bam, you’re immune!” The high school senior tested his theory by working part-time in a local COVID ward for a month. “That mix is nasty. It totally crushed the virus.” A bidding war has already developed between Pfizer® and Frito-Lay® for Jason’s breakthrough formula.

Congress Repeals U.S. Constitution

Congress Repeals U.S. Constitution

Deemed Too Hard to Enforce, Historic Document to be Auctioned Off on eBay®

Suggesting Americans should just, “Deal with it,” House and Senate members endorsed a historic vote to repeal the U.S. Constitution. “We just got tired of fighting about it,” explained one Congressional member. “So we decided to scrap it. Heck, I’m sure somebody’ll come up with something. After all, this is America.”