With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.
Two local teens from Salina, Kansas may have unearthed the secret of Amazon’s speedy delivery of international goods. “We spotted two moles wearing smiley-face backpacks scurrying out of a big hole behind the 7-Eleven,” explained Kyle S. “Jake and I grabbed some Slim Jim’s® and went exploring. Wound up in some place called Shenzhen.” The ASPCA has filed a $100 billion lawsuit against Amazon for animal cruelty.
An I.O.C. spokesperson confirmed that handwashing is now an official Olympic sport. “A Toronto colorectal surgeon has reportedly washed for 43 hours straight,” he noted. “With all the practice people are getting, the competition looks to be quite spirited.”
“I pulled off my N-95 this morning, looked in the mirror, and my mouth was gone,” a Springfield, Missouri carpenter reported today. Forced to communicate with sign language, E. Bakewell explained that he had worn the same mask for 442 straight days. “Should help me cut down on all those Doritos,” he mused, trying to look on the bright side.
“Lots of folks hate getting a shot,” explained a McDonald’s spokesperson. “But who doesn’t love a double-decker burger…and an easy way to get vaccinated?” Health experts predict The Big Vac Burger will lead to an 18% reduction in COVID-19 cases…and a 42% increase in heart attacks, high blood pressure and obesity.
“Dude, forget the vaccine lines,” reported an excited Jason K. of Red Rock. “Just get some Takis,® Sweet Sriracha Bacon Jerky, nacho cheese and a Blue Shock Mountain Dew® Slurpee® at 7-Eleven.® Toss’em in a blender, down the hatch and, bam, you’re immune!” The high school senior tested his theory by working part-time in a local COVID ward for a month. “That mix is nasty. It totally crushed the virus.” A bidding war has already developed between Pfizer® and Frito-Lay® for Jason’s breakthrough formula.
Suggesting Americans should just, “Deal with it,” House and Senate members endorsed a historic vote to repeal the U.S. Constitution. “We just got tired of fighting about it,” explained one Congressional member. “So we decided to scrap it. Heck, I’m sure somebody’ll come up with something. After all, this is America.”