Love thrills? Need ca$h? Domino’s Pizza® is now hiring drivers to deliver pizza to moving cars. Learn to put your bike on cruise control and deliver large pepperonis at speeds up to 60 mph. Free training. No experience needed. If interested, apply at unsafe_at_any_speed@dominos.com
Turkey Invades Grease
Turkey Invades Grease
Armies of Birds Threaten to Cover Millions of Kitchens in Grease
With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.
Fast-Spreading Mu Variant Causing Catlike Symptoms in Thousands
Fast-Spreading Mu Variant Causing Catlike Symptoms in Thousands
Litter Sales Soar as Americans Switch from Toilets to Litter Boxes
Secret Amazon® Shipping Tunnel thru Earth Revealed
Secret Amazon® Shipping Tunnel thru Earth Revealed
System of Crack-Fueled Moles Speeds Cargo from China to Warehouses
Two local teens from Salina, Kansas may have unearthed the secret of Amazon’s speedy delivery of international goods. “We spotted two moles wearing smiley-face backpacks scurrying out of a big hole behind the 7-Eleven,” explained Kyle S. “Jake and I grabbed some Slim Jim’s® and went exploring. Wound up in some place called Shenzhen.” The ASPCA has filed a $100 billion lawsuit against Amazon for animal cruelty.
Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition
Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition
Mattress Jumping, Rec Room Relay Races Also Added
An I.O.C. spokesperson confirmed that handwashing is now an official Olympic sport. “A Toronto colorectal surgeon has reportedly washed for 43 hours straight,” he noted. “With all the practice people are getting, the competition looks to be quite spirited.”
Missouri Man’s Mouth Vanishes After Wearing Mask 15 Months
Missouri Man’s Mouth Vanishes After Wearing Mask 15 Months
“I pulled off my N-95 this morning, looked in the mirror, and my mouth was gone,” a Springfield, Missouri carpenter reported today. Forced to communicate with sign language, E. Bakewell explained that he had worn the same mask for 442 straight days. “Should help me cut down on all those Doritos,” he mused, trying to look on the bright side.
McDonalds® and Pfizer® Create New Big Vac Burger®
McDonalds® and Pfizer® Create New Big Vac Burger®
Vaccine-Hesitant Customers Flock to Mickey D’s® for Special Sauce
“Lots of folks hate getting a shot,” explained a McDonald’s spokesperson. “But who doesn’t love a double-decker burger…and an easy way to get vaccinated?” Health experts predict The Big Vac Burger will lead to an 18% reduction in COVID-19 cases…and a 42% increase in heart attacks, high blood pressure and obesity.