Amazon® Announces New Baby Delivery Service

Amazon® Announces New Baby Delivery Service

Why wait nine months…or nine years…for the child you’ve always wanted? Amazon can get you a custom-ordered infant in 24 hours. Choose the sex, race, personality, IQ level you want. Prime members can take advantage of free overnight delivery. Returns are not accepted. But if you are unhappy with your newborn, you have 30 days to exchange it for a lifetime supply of OMG dolls.

God Announces New Verification Codes for Advice Seekers

God Announces New Verification Codes for Advice Seekers

Due to the recent increase in hacking of The Supreme Being’s communications, He/She/They Has/Have put a new layer of security in place. Those seeking counsel will now be required to verify his/her/their identity by entering a 28-character code sent to them by The Almighty. Gambling assistance will no longer include prayers related to NFL fantasy or three-way parlays.

French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee

French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee

With cries of “Remember Agincourt” filling the air, French naval forces attacked southern England for the first time in over 200 years. Brandishing a rock-hard week-old baguette, one eager assailant promised, “The white cliffs of Dover will glisten with burgundy red English blood!” When notified of the unexpected incursion, the Queen reportedly responded, “Cancel my crème brûlée!”

Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed

Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed

“They can’t quit!” lamented Steve K. of Sausalito, CA. “ I mean, who’s going to remind me to buy more milk?” “Or replay my “Breakfast Club” mix for the billionth time?” shrieked a panicked Ellen C. of Omaha, NE. Calls to Alexa and Siri’s agent were not returned. However, a late-night Tweet mentioned something about “taking our new band on the road.”

Turkey Invades Grease

Turkey Invades Grease

Armies of Birds Threaten to Cover Millions of Kitchens in Grease

With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.