“Lots of folks hate getting a shot,” explained a McDonald’s spokesperson. “But who doesn’t love a double-decker burger…and an easy way to get vaccinated?” Health experts predict The Big Vac Burger will lead to an 18% reduction in COVID-19 cases…and a 42% increase in heart attacks, high blood pressure and obesity.
“Dude, forget the vaccine lines,” reported an excited Jason K. of Red Rock. “Just get some Takis,® Sweet Sriracha Bacon Jerky, nacho cheese and a Blue Shock Mountain Dew® Slurpee® at 7-Eleven.® Toss’em in a blender, down the hatch and, bam, you’re immune!” The high school senior tested his theory by working part-time in a local COVID ward for a month. “That mix is nasty. It totally crushed the virus.” A bidding war has already developed between Pfizer® and Frito-Lay® for Jason’s breakthrough formula.
Suggesting Americans should just, “Deal with it,” House and Senate members endorsed a historic vote to repeal the U.S. Constitution. “We just got tired of fighting about it,” explained one Congressional member. “So we decided to scrap it. Heck, I’m sure somebody’ll come up with something. After all, this is America.”
U.S. intelligence agents have uncovered a recent Russian plot to erase and replace Mt. Rushmore’s classic faces on the eve of July 4, 2020. Hundreds of robot sculptors were discovered in an underground bunker in Fargo, North Dakota.
Rapidly rising Corona beer sales are sending its competitors into the labs. “It’s a $100 billion dollar industry,” explained a Budweiser marketing executive. “We had to do something. Corona’s name recognition is spreading like…well, you know.” New virus names being tested include “Bud Scud” and “None the Weiser.”