Petard News

DNA Test Reveals Australia Man and Local Kangaroo Had Same Great-Grandfather

“When the results came back, I was not surprised,” explained Brisbane native, Jack L. “She has been peering in our windows for years. Plus, she’s a dead ringer for my Aunt Margaret.” When interviewed, the kangaroo had no comment. But asked to take a selfie with the reporter.

Domino’s Seeks Drivers for Highway Delivery to Moving Cars

Love thrills? Need ca$h? Domino’s Pizza® is now hiring drivers to deliver pizza to moving cars. Learn to put your bike on cruise control and deliver large pepperonis at speeds up to 60 mph. Free training. No experience needed. If interested, apply at unsafe_at_any_speed@dominos.com

Turkey Invades Grease

Armies of Birds Threaten to Cover Millions of Kitchens in Grease

With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.

Fast-Spreading Mu Variant Causing Catlike Symptoms in Thousands

Litter Sales Soar as Americans Switch from Toilets to Litter Boxes

“Last night I woke up with this crazy urge to scratch everything in sight,” recalled dazed Becca L., a Mizzou freshman. “Then I climbed out the dorm

window and scampered up the roof!”

Pfizer and Moderna have reported some success with new vaccines derived from hairball follicles.

Secret Amazon® Shipping Tunnel thru Earth Revealed

System of Crack-Fueled Moles Speeds Cargo from China to Warehouses

Two local teens from Salina, Kansas may have unearthed the secret of Amazon’s speedy delivery of international goods. “We spotted two moles wearing smiley-face backpacks scurrying out of a big hole behind the 7-Eleven,” explained Kyle S. “Jake and I grabbed some Slim Jim’s® and went exploring. Wound up in some place called Shenzhen.” The ASPCA has filed a $100 billion lawsuit against Amazon for animal cruelty.

Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition

Mattress Jumping, Rec Room Relay Races Also Added

An I.O.C. spokesperson confirmed that handwashing is now an official Olympic sport. “A Toronto colorectal surgeon has reportedly washed for 43 hours straight,” he noted. “With all the practice people are getting, the competition looks to be quite spirited.”

Missouri Man’s Mouth Vanishes After Wearing Mask 15 Months

“I pulled off my N-95 this morning, looked in the mirror, and my mouth was gone,” a Springfield, Missouri carpenter reported today. Forced to communicate with sign language, E. Bakewell explained that he had worn the same mask for 442 straight days. “Should help me cut down on all those Doritos,” he mused, trying to look on the bright side.

Amazon® Buys Amazon Jungle, Plans Adventure Theme Park

Looking to build brand recognition, Amazon has purchased the Brazilian rain forest for $12 billion. Prime members will get a 50% discount on airfare to Rio de Janeiro or São Paolo.

McDonalds® and Pfizer® Create New Big Vac Burger®

Vaccine-Hesitant Customers Flock to Mickey D’s® for Special Sauce

“Lots of folks hate getting a shot,” explained a McDonald’s spokesperson. “But who doesn’t love a double-decker burger…and an easy way to get vaccinated?” Health experts predict The Big Vac Burger will lead to an 18% reduction in COVID-19 cases…and a 42% increase in heart attacks, high blood pressure and obesity.

COVID Returns to Space after Fun-Filled Year Terrorizing Earthlings

“Vaccines have taken all the fun out of wiping out humans,” explained the infamous virus. “I am so out of here.” SARS-CoV-2’s next stop will be Mars. “I hear they’re trying to start a new colony. Good luck with that,” it smirked.