Ever try to cut through the gunk that builds up inside your microwave? Not happening. Even the U.S. Testing Laboratory couldn’t get through it. That’s why the Pentagon is currently testing formulas from two competing companies. The finalists are baked-on pizza sauce vs. baked on mac ‘n cheese.

Eco-Extremists Use Sonic Tech to Weaponize Birds

Commuters across America were stunned to see their car windshields coated with falling bird poop yesterday. A group calling itself the “Eye in the Sky” is protesting the nationwide destruction of woodlands and bird preserves. Unnamed sources claim the Pentagon is negotiating with this eco-group to purchase it’s advanced technology

Amazed residents of a northern New Mexico town awoke to find their homes and cars coated with a layer of steaming nacho cheese. “She was due to blow sooner or later,” explained one long-time resident, as flying jalapenos sent many townsfolk ducking for cover. “Guess I’ll be takin’ cheese sandwiches to work for a while.”

Alert Radio Tech from Andromeda Galaxy Makes Startling Discovery

After monitoring transmissions for 10 years, Jnzzzzzz Xyqqqqqq, an astronomer from the planet GHNZXD, confirmed there is, indeed, life on earth. “We thought an algorithm was creating Earth’s audio track.” But when we heard that sweet reggae music, we knew a bot could not create that.

Environmental Scientists Track Emissions to Merrick County Resident

Guess it’s time for some reading glasses,” admitted Alice S. “Thought I set my oven for 45 minutes. Must’ve missed the extra zero.”