“We give you milk. We give you meat. And all we get is cow feed,” yelled one protesting Holstein. “Either stop using our name or give us 50% of the royalties.” Reports of secret meetings of giants and dolphins could spell more trouble for the NFL.®

Who needs analytics? A team of sportso-statologists has concluded that the player or team with the most points wins 99.99% of all contests. After examining results from millions of competitions in the last 500 years, researchers came to this duh conclusion. Notable exceptions included golf, 8-ball and darts.

“Over 20,000 people an hour watch me play trash can basketball at work,” explained Jeremy, a longtime pro. “That’s serious coins for moi.” After Jeremy’s famous 2016 video where he nailed two 50-foot shots at opposite ends of his office simultaneously, he blew up on the web.

Due to the increasing number of concussions and season-ending injuries, the league will introduce new padded uniforms in 2019. “We lost so many players this year, we’ve had to recruit in high schools and nursing homes to find replacements,” lamented one pro coach. “But those new unis should do the trick.” Say good-bye to 4.4 40’s.

“She should’ve known my client was making a crucial trade on his phone as he was crossing the street,” explained the fantasy fan’s attorney. “I mean, seriously, priorities, people!”

Two whistle-blowers have confirmed new in-utero technology that can predict which future kids will be able to run a 4.2 40 or toss a pigskin 70 yards. A pro spokesperson refused to confirm reports of covert labs altering DNA to enhance gridiron skills.

Hoping to keep pro football quarterbacks safer than ever, a new rule will allow signal-callers to tase on-rushing defenders. “Dude, how was I supposed to hit a downfield receiver in stride with some huge guy in my face?” explained one relieved QB. “Now I can just zing’em and sling it!”