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Volume CVI No. 68
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  • Breaking Wind
  • Sports

Russia Exchanges Brittany Griner for Shipload of Skittles®

Russia Exchanges Brittany Griner for Shipload of Skittles®

Thanks to Vladimir Putin’s sweet tooth, Brittany Griner is heading home, as a cargo ship packed with his favorite Skittles approaches Novorossiysk harbor. The 11th hour exchange occurred after hackers revealed hundreds of MARS® candy purchases in Putin’s Amazon® account.

  • Breaking Wind
  • Sports

Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition

Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition

Mattress Jumping, Rec Room Relay Races Also Added

An I.O.C. spokesperson confirmed that handwashing is now an official Olympic sport. “A Toronto colorectal surgeon has reportedly washed for 43 hours straight,” he noted. “With all the practice people are getting, the competition looks to be quite spirited.”

  • Breaking Wind
  • Sports

Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition

Olympics Adds Marathon Handwashing Competition

Mattress Jumping, Rec Room Relay Races Also Added

An I.O.C. spokesperson confirmed that handwashing is now an official Olympic sport. “A Toronto colorectal surgeon has reportedly washed for 43 hours straight,” he noted. “With all the practice people are getting, the competition looks to be quite spirited.”

  • Sports

Dallas Cowboys Name Change Demanded by Cow Lobby

Dallas Cowboys Name Change Demanded by Cow Lobby

“We give you milk. We give you meat. And all we get is cow feed,” yelled one protesting Holstein. “Either stop using our name or give us 50% of the royalties.” Reports of secret meetings of giants and dolphins could spell more trouble for the NFL.®

  • Sports

Player or team with highest score #1 factor in almost all sports wins.

Player or team with highest score #1 factor in almost all sports wins.

Who needs analytics? A team of sportso-statologists has concluded that the player or team with the most points wins 99.99% of all contests. After examining results from millions of competitions in the last 500 years, researchers came to this duh conclusion. Notable exceptions included golf, 8-ball and darts.

  • Sports

Trash Can Basketball Streaming Shows Huge Spike in Viewership

Trash Can Basketball Streaming Shows Huge Spike in Viewership

“Over 20,000 people an hour watch me play trash can basketball at work,” explained Jeremy, a longtime pro. “That’s serious coins for moi.” After Jeremy’s famous 2016 video where he nailed two 50-foot shots at opposite ends of his office simultaneously, he blew up on the web.

  • Sports

New Protective Pro Football Uniforms Expected to Reduce Injuries

New Protective Pro Football Uniforms Expected to Reduce Injuries

Due to the increasing number of concussions and season-ending injuries, the league will introduce new padded uniforms in 2019. “We lost so many players this year, we’ve had to recruit in high schools and nursing homes to find replacements,” lamented one pro coach. “But those new unis should do the trick.” Say good-bye to 4.4 40’s.

  • Sports

Furious Pedestrian Checking Fantasy Results Sues ‘Insensitive’ Driver for ‘Invading My Space’

Furious Pedestrian Checking Fantasy Results Sues ‘Insensitive’ Driver for ‘Invading My Space’

“She should’ve known my client was making a crucial trade on his phone as he was crossing the street,” explained the fantasy fan’s attorney. “I mean, seriously, priorities, people!”

  • Sports

Pro Football Scouts Secretly Scan Embryos for Future Talent

Pro Football Scouts Secretly Scan Embryos for Future Talent

Two whistle-blowers have confirmed new in-utero technology that can predict which future kids will be able to run a 4.2 40 or toss a pigskin 70 yards. A pro spokesperson refused to confirm reports of covert labs altering DNA to enhance gridiron skills.

  • Sports

New Rules Allow Pro Quarterbacks to Tase Pass Rushers

New Rules Allow Pro Quarterbacks to Tase Pass Rushers

Hoping to keep pro football quarterbacks safer than ever, a new rule will allow signal-callers to tase on-rushing defenders. “Dude, how was I supposed to hit a downfield receiver in stride with some huge guy in my face?” explained one relieved QB. “Now I can just zing’em and sling it!”

[pi•tahrd] 1. an explosive device formerly used in warfare

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