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System of Crack-Fueled Moles Speeds Cargo from China to Warehouses

Two local teens from Salina, Kansas may have unearthed the secret of Amazon’s speedy delivery of international goods. “We spotted two moles wearing smiley-face backpacks scurrying out of a big hole behind the 7-Eleven,” explained Kyle S. “Jake and I grabbed some Slim Jim’s® and went exploring. Wound up in some place called Shenzhen.” The ASPCA has filed a $100 billion lawsuit against Amazon for animal cruelty.

Looking to build brand recognition, Amazon has purchased the Brazilian rain forest for $12 billion. Prime members will get a 50% discount on airfare to Rio de Janeiro or São Paolo.

Whistleblower Accountant Reveals Over $100 Billion in Payments from Nintendo®, Apple® and Amazon.®

An early-morning raid by revenue agents of Mr. Claus’s Canadian headquarters in northern Nunavut yielded evidence linking the famed gift-giver to decades of payments from leading toy, electronics and clothing manufacturers. “I did it for the children,” he explained.

Consumers across America have decided to shun shopping and stay home this year. “I ate so much I may hibernate all winter,” explained one bloated Thanksgiving survivor.” No way I’m standing in the freezing cold at 4am to save 80% on some espresso-latte maker thing. Retail stocks are expected to take a major hit when the market opens.

Ford is recalling all remaining 1962 Ford Galaxie 500s due to a recently detected malfunction in the left turn signal. “People have been honking at me for years when I turned left,” explained 86-year-old Ida K. of Keokuk, Iowa. “Now I know why.” The manufacturer gave no explanation for the delay in notifying customers, but is sending each owner a Nixon-Lodge bumper sticker.

Plans Include Spinning It Faster Just to See What Happens

“We always wanted to add Earth to our portfolio,”explained Jimmy Z., 12-year-old Galactic CEO, from his bedroom in northern Minnesota. “The previous owners were concerned about the political climate and made us a sweetheart offer.”