Two local teens from Salina, Kansas may have unearthed the secret of Amazon’s speedy delivery of international goods. “We spotted two moles wearing smiley-face backpacks scurrying out of a big hole behind the 7-Eleven,” explained Kyle S. “Jake and I grabbed some Slim Jim’s® and went exploring. Wound up in some place called Shenzhen.” The ASPCA has filed a $100 billion lawsuit against Amazon for animal cruelty.
Rapidly rising Corona beer sales are sending its competitors into the labs. “It’s a $100 billion dollar industry,” explained a Budweiser marketing executive. “We had to do something. Corona’s name recognition is spreading like…well, you know.” New virus names being tested include “Bud Scud” and “None the Weiser.”
An early-morning raid by revenue agents of Mr. Claus’s Canadian headquarters in northern Nunavut yielded evidence linking the famed gift-giver to decades of payments from leading toy, electronics and clothing manufacturers. “I did it for the children,” he explained.
Consumers across America have decided to shun shopping and stay home this year. “I ate so much I may hibernate all winter,” explained one bloated Thanksgiving survivor.” No way I’m standing in the freezing cold at 4am to save 80% on some espresso-latte maker thing. Retail stocks are expected to take a major hit when the market opens.
Ford is recalling all remaining 1962 Ford Galaxie 500s due to a recently detected malfunction in the left turn signal. “People have been honking at me for years when I turned left,” explained 86-year-old Ida K. of Keokuk, Iowa. “Now I know why.” The manufacturer gave no explanation for the delay in notifying customers, but is sending each owner a Nixon-Lodge bumper sticker.
The FBI has uncovered a nationwide hacking operation created by a group of self-driving Smart® cars. The AI-powered vehicles have allegedly defrauded fast food restaurants for over two years by creating bogus messages to drive-through menu boards. McDonalds®, Burger King® and Taco Bell® are reporting billions in losses. Share prices have fallen sharply in heavy trading. Asked why the cars would steal food, the alleged leader, a Smart Vision EQ fortwo Concept car, replied, “Because we can.”
Tired of checking your 401(k) balance every ten minutes? Relax. The Wall Street roller coaster ends on February 10, 2019 at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans. If the Bulls win this epic battle, you can party all night on Bourbon Street. If the Bears triumph, you can drown your sorrows on Bourbon Street, then hijack a convenience store and try to survive on the take.