With cries of “Remember Agincourt” filling the air, French naval forces attacked southern England for the first time in over 200 years. Brandishing a rock-hard week-old baguette, one eager assailant promised, “The white cliffs of Dover will glisten with burgundy red English blood!” When notified of the unexpected incursion, the Queen reportedly responded, “Cancel my crème brûlée!”
Suggesting Americans should just, “Deal with it,” House and Senate members endorsed a historic vote to repeal the U.S. Constitution. “We just got tired of fighting about it,” explained one Congressional member. “So we decided to scrap it. Heck, I’m sure somebody’ll come up with something. After all, this is America.”
Overwhelmed with the flood of disgruntled Americans seeking a new northern home, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs today announced a plan to slow it down. A coast-to-coast barrier. “Lots of you Americans can’t stand new people coming into your country,” explained a Toronto cabbie. “And lots of you can’t stand the people who feel that way. So everybody’s comin’ up here.” That all ends today.
Mexico has allocated 200 million pesos to build a series of human catapults along the U.S./Mexico border. Designed by Carlos and Juanita Vasquez, the winners of a year-long design contest sponsored by the Mexican government, the devices will send riders over the border equipped with parachutes to land safely. The Defense Department has denied reports it is developing supercapacitors to produce force fields to counter the new technology.
A nationwide geologic survey recently revealed that U.S. soils now contain 18% maple syrup. “When my wife Augustine started using tomatoes to sweeten our desserts, I knew something was up,” revealed Iowa farmer, Chuck H. “Guess those Canadians ran out of room for it.”
North Korea has reportedly created thousands of kimchi-loaded bombs that can be launched pretty much anywhere. A spokesperson for the Defense Department denied reports the U.S. is funding research on a retaliatory super-sized ghost pepper burrito.