Due to the recent increase in hacking of The Supreme Being’s communications, He/She/They Has/Have put a new layer of security in place. Those seeking counsel will now be required to verify his/her/their identity by entering a 28-character code sent to them by The Almighty. Gambling assistance will no longer include prayers related to NFL fantasy or three-way parlays.
With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.
Led by a desperate father of 9, a group of pistol-packing locals has surrounded the East Camelback Road 7-Eleven for over three days. “We know there’s a 12-roll pack in there,” said Bret S., an off-duty security guard. “And we’re gonna get it.”
A stick of deodorant and a pack of dental floss turned out to be the final purchases for Jimmy H. of Denver, Colorado. Seconds after scanning both items, a 17-foot register tape shot out of the express checkout machine, wrapping itself around Jimmy’s neck. Seconds later he was dead. The value of his final coupons totaled over $85.00.
The FBI has taken into custody the mastermind of a nationwide pre-school admission network. “I couldn’t resist,” explained one embarrassed ex-pre-school teacher.“ They offered us unlimited quantities of Honey Nut Cheerios® and vintage Legos.® ” Another admitted, “Those Oshkosh® pants were getting a bit snug.”
Using new facial recognition technology, The National Crime Archives has linked a masked man to an astounding number of unsolved store hold-up cases, some over 20 years old. Asked how one person could have committed similar crimes almost daily from Anchorage to Tallahassee, lead detective H.R. Jones admitted, “We have no f—ing idea.”
Demanding his lost “Dipey,” 7-month-old Brian J. was able to keep a cabin full of adults on edge for an entire flight across the U.S. After abandoning all hope of a nap, many passengers reportedly started screaming along with Brian. “Next time I’m bringing a suitcase full of pacifiers,” said one groggy traveler.