Government Archives

Disturbed Earthworm Cracks Washington Monument

“I am SO sorry,” explained the distressed creature through an interpreter. “I was hibernating under the mall, when I was awakened by a big commotion. I grabbed the nearest object and hung on for dear life. My bad.”

Plot to Replace Mt. Rushmore Faces with Russian Nesting Dolls

Secret Plan Would’ve Re-chiseled George, Tom, Abe & Teddy with Matryoshka

U.S. intelligence agents have uncovered a recent Russian plot to erase and replace Mt. Rushmore’s classic faces on the eve of July 4, 2020. Hundreds of robot sculptors were discovered in an underground bunker in Fargo, North Dakota.

Massive Peach Truck Caravan Heading toward Impeachment in Washington

“Things are getting pretty testy up in Washington,” explained one truck driver. “We figure both sides could use some juicy weapons to lob at their opponents.”

TSA to Add Insecurity Gates for Worried Air Travelers

New Entry Points to Feature M&Ms,® Stuffies and Reassuring Hugs

Looking to take the stress out of air travel, the TSA is testing Insecurity Gates at six major U.S. airports. “We decided to just trust people. So we will be replacing cavity searches and bomb-sniffing dogs with munchies, plush toys, and bear hugs,” explained Rhonda L., a former greeter at Walmart.®

U.S. to Confiscate All Whistles Owned by Federal Workers

OSHA Cites Unsafe Decibel Levels and Barking Security Dogs

Seeking to curb the increased blowing of whistles in Federal workplaces, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration is giving U.S. workers 30 days to turn in their whistles. “False fire alarms used to be our biggest noise problem,” explained one OSHA official. “But with all the whistle-blowing these days, our noise pollution is out of control. Something had to be done.”

Congress Approves National Hug-in

Democrats and Republicans Decide to Bury the Hatchet

Ending years of discord and disagreement, the nation’s political leaders have decided to finally work together. House and Senate members will all join hands at noon today and sing Kumbaya.

Government

U.S. Government Shuts Down, Smurfs Volunteer to Deliver the Mail

The government closing has not deterred many Americans from jumping in to help out. Oscar the Grouch® is picking up the garbage, The Smurfs^TM are distributing the mail. And PAW Patrol^TM is out policing the streets. Looks like we’re in good hands.

Government

Iowa Mayor Accused of Random Acts of Kindness Steps Down

Recent accusations from town residents have forced a popular, four-term Iowa mayor to resign. “I couldn’t keep silent anymore,” revealed “concerned citizen” Grace S. “She was just too nice. It started when she agreed to donate her salary to the local pound. And it just got worse.” “The free chocolate chip cookies in city hall are what did it for me,” explained Ralph K. “Just totally inappropriate.”

12 States Planning to Convert U.S. High Schools into Vocational Weapons Factories

Teenage Workers to Manufacturer Enough Guns to Arm Every American

“No more scared, defenseless kids. No more declining enrollment,” explained one state legislator. “Our new factories will teach kids a trade. And they’ll have plenty of time for target practice on breaks. Plus, there’ll be no shortage of AR-15s. It’s pretty much win-win.”

U.S. to Build Giant Lego® Wall across Canadian and Mexican Borders

Congress approved emergency funding today for Lego® walls along both U.S. borders. “This way we can keep people from coming in from the south. And escaping to the north,” explained one House member. “Plus, it’ll be a fraction of the cost of installing cinder blocks.”