Banks love to talk about trust. Then they take your money and invest it in some wacky real estate mumbo-jumbo. Trusty Bank takes a different approach. You don’t have to trust us. Because we trust you. That’s why every branch has a big table of cash. Stop on by. Take as much as you like. Go ahead. We trust you.
We put the trust back in banking.
“Welcome to Chick-fil-A®’s USA.” That’s what international visitors could be greeted by soon whenever the fierce competition to brand the U.S. is resolved. “Heck, college football’s got the AutoNation Cure Bowl®. New Orleans has the Mercedes-Benz® Superdome. Why not Uncle Sam®?” explained a Treasury official. “This could be the cash cow we’ve been looking for.”
“Now that international trade and immigration are history, a national dome was the next logical step,” explained one Congressman. “And with the state-of-the-art sprinkler system, we’ll be able to make it rain anywhere we need to, whenever we want.”
“With so many issues between the sexes, separation seemed like the best solution,” explained one Congressman. People wanting to have children will be able to opt for artificial insemination or travel to designated breeding barges in the Mississippi River. Custody of children will be determined by a lottery system. LGBTQ, pan-sexual and others with non-traditional preferences will be free to move between both regions. Sales of man cave and she shed items are expected to skyrocket.
In another sign of an increasingly polarized electorate, a new law will mandate party preferences by expecting parents. In anticipation, U.S. hospitals are planning to create separate red and blue nurseries. Red and blue are the new pink and blue.