Petard News

U.S. to Confiscate All Whistles Owned by Federal Workers

OSHA Cites Unsafe Decibel Levels and Barking Security Dogs

Seeking to curb the increased blowing of whistles in Federal workplaces, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration is giving U.S. workers 30 days to turn in their whistles. “False fire alarms used to be our biggest noise problem,” explained one OSHA official. “But with all the whistle-blowing these days, our noise pollution is out of control. Something had to be done.”

Congress Approves National Hug-in

Democrats and Republicans Decide to Bury the Hatchet

Ending years of discord and disagreement, the nation’s political leaders have decided to finally work together. House and Senate members will all join hands at noon today and sing Kumbaya.

Ford Recalls 6,200 1962 Ford Galaxies for Faulty Turn Signal

Ford is recalling all remaining 1962 Ford Galaxie 500s due to a recently detected malfunction in the left turn signal. “People have been honking at me for years when I turned left,” explained 86-year-old Ida K. of Keokuk, Iowa. “Now I know why.” The manufacturer gave no explanation for the delay in notifying customers, but is sending each owner a Nixon-Lodge bumper sticker.

Toddler Impersonators Arrested in Nationwide Pre-School Bribery Scheme

Wealthy Parents Paid Former Teachers to Ace Wechsler and Olsat Admission Tests from Top Nursery Schools

The FBI has taken into custody the mastermind of a nationwide pre-school admission network. “I couldn’t resist,” explained one embarrassed ex-pre-school teacher.“ They offered us unlimited quantities of Honey Nut Cheerios^® and vintage Legos.^® ” Another admitted, “Those Oshkosh^® pants were getting a bit snug.”

Human Interest

Expiring Milk Excited about Retirement

“Going sour doesn’t mean I’ve soured on life,” explained a gallon of 2% milk with an upcoming “use by” date. “Quite the contrary. I’ve got options. I could turn into creamy yogurt, a marinade, skin lotion or add calcium to a garden.” How’s that for a bucket list?

Canada Building Wall to Keep Out Fleeing Americans

4000-Mile Barrier to be Made of Hockey Sticks Cemented with Maple Syrup

Overwhelmed with the flood of disgruntled Americans seeking a new northern home, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs today announced a plan to slow it down. A coast-to-coast barrier. “Lots of you Americans can’t stand new people coming into your country,” explained a Toronto cabbie. “And lots of you can’t stand the people who feel that way. So everybody’s comin’ up here.” That all ends today.

Micro-Diet Craze offers 10-Course Meals for 100 Calories

Throw away your scale. And grab your mini-fork and spoon. Now you every meal is a feast as mini-diets sweep the country. Using the latest micro-technology, food scientists are finding new ways to create more courses for less calories. “All I needed was a pair of reading glasses,” explained Alice B. of Topeka, Kansas. “Now I can eat as much as I want, whenever I want.”

Sports

Player or team with highest score #1 factor in almost all sports wins.

Who needs analytics? A team of sportso-statologists has concluded that the player or team with the most points wins 99.99% of all contests. After examining results from millions of competitions in the last 500 years, researchers came to this duh conclusion. Notable exceptions included golf, 8-ball and darts.

Planet Earth Sold to Minnesota Toy Company

Plans Include Spinning It Faster Just to See What Happens

“We always wanted to add Earth to our portfolio,”explained Jimmy Z., 12-year-old Galactic CEO, from his bedroom in northern Minnesota. “The previous owners were concerned about the political climate and made us a sweetheart offer.”

Self-Driving Smart Cars Hack into Fast Food Drive-Thru’s to Steal Billions

The FBI has uncovered a nationwide hacking operation created by a group of self-driving Smart^® cars. The AI-powered vehicles have allegedly defrauded fast food restaurants for over two years by creating bogus messages to drive-through menu boards. McDonalds^®, Burger King^® and Taco Bell^® are reporting billions in losses. Share prices have fallen sharply in heavy trading. Asked why the cars would steal food, the alleged leader, a Smart Vision EQ fortwo Concept car, replied, “Because we can.”