Breaking Wind Archives - Page 4 of 8

Hershey® Swamped with Orders for Chocolate Floatation Tanks

Worried Americans Seeking Cocoa-Filled Isolation to Wait Out Virus

“We can’t keep up with the demand for these new isolation tanks,” a Hershey spokesperson explained. “When people are stressed, they want chocolate.”

“For the foreseeable future, I plan to wait this thing out soaking in chocolate bliss,” explained Hector L. of Seattle, Washington. “Just hope my Kindle® doesn’t run out of juice.”

Christmas Cancelled, Santa Indicted for Kickbacks

Whistleblower Accountant Reveals Over $100 Billion in Payments from Nintendo®, Apple® and Amazon.®

An early-morning raid by revenue agents of Mr. Claus’s Canadian headquarters in northern Nunavut yielded evidence linking the famed gift-giver to decades of payments from leading toy, electronics and clothing manufacturers. “I did it for the children,” he explained.

Massive Peach Truck Caravan Heading toward Impeachment in Washington

“Things are getting pretty testy up in Washington,” explained one truck driver. “We figure both sides could use some juicy weapons to lob at their opponents.”

Black Friday Canceled Due to Lack of Interest

Consumers across America have decided to shun shopping and stay home this year. “I ate so much I may hibernate all winter,” explained one bloated Thanksgiving survivor.” No way I’m standing in the freezing cold at 4am to save 80% on some espresso-latte maker thing. Retail stocks are expected to take a major hit when the market opens.

TSA to Add Insecurity Gates for Worried Air Travelers

New Entry Points to Feature M&Ms,® Stuffies and Reassuring Hugs

Looking to take the stress out of air travel, the TSA is testing Insecurity Gates at six major U.S. airports. “We decided to just trust people. So we will be replacing cavity searches and bomb-sniffing dogs with munchies, plush toys, and bear hugs,” explained Rhonda L., a former greeter at Walmart.®

Runaway Register Tape Strangles Man at Colorado CVS

A stick of deodorant and a pack of dental floss turned out to be the final purchases for Jimmy H. of Denver, Colorado. Seconds after scanning both items, a 17-foot register tape shot out of the express checkout machine, wrapping itself around Jimmy’s neck. Seconds later he was dead. The value of his final coupons totaled over $85.00.

Busy FaceTimer® Fails to Report Nuclear Explosion

“My bad,” lamented Mitchell K. of Portland, Oregon. “I thought it was the sound of my daughter’s first poop on the potty. Didn’t want to miss it.”

U.S. to Confiscate All Whistles Owned by Federal Workers

OSHA Cites Unsafe Decibel Levels and Barking Security Dogs

Seeking to curb the increased blowing of whistles in Federal workplaces, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration is giving U.S. workers 30 days to turn in their whistles. “False fire alarms used to be our biggest noise problem,” explained one OSHA official. “But with all the whistle-blowing these days, our noise pollution is out of control. Something had to be done.”

Congress Approves National Hug-in

Democrats and Republicans Decide to Bury the Hatchet

Ending years of discord and disagreement, the nation’s political leaders have decided to finally work together. House and Senate members will all join hands at noon today and sing Kumbaya.

Ford Recalls 6,200 1962 Ford Galaxies for Faulty Turn Signal

Ford is recalling all remaining 1962 Ford Galaxie 500s due to a recently detected malfunction in the left turn signal. “People have been honking at me for years when I turned left,” explained 86-year-old Ida K. of Keokuk, Iowa. “Now I know why.” The manufacturer gave no explanation for the delay in notifying customers, but is sending each owner a Nixon-Lodge bumper sticker.