An early-morning raid by revenue agents of Mr. Claus’s Canadian headquarters in northern Nunavut yielded evidence linking the famed gift-giver to decades of payments from leading toy, electronics and clothing manufacturers. “I did it for the children,” he explained.
Consumers across America have decided to shun shopping and stay home this year. “I ate so much I may hibernate all winter,” explained one bloated Thanksgiving survivor.” No way I’m standing in the freezing cold at 4am to save 80% on some espresso-latte maker thing. Retail stocks are expected to take a major hit when the market opens.
Looking to take the stress out of air travel, the TSA is testing Insecurity Gates at six major U.S. airports. “We decided to just trust people. So we will be replacing cavity searches and bomb-sniffing dogs with munchies, plush toys, and bear hugs,” explained Rhonda L., a former greeter at Walmart.®
A stick of deodorant and a pack of dental floss turned out to be the final purchases for Jimmy H. of Denver, Colorado. Seconds after scanning both items, a 17-foot register tape shot out of the express checkout machine, wrapping itself around Jimmy’s neck. Seconds later he was dead. The value of his final coupons totaled over $85.00.
Seeking to curb the increased blowing of whistles in Federal workplaces, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration is giving U.S. workers 30 days to turn in their whistles. “False fire alarms used to be our biggest noise problem,” explained one OSHA official. “But with all the whistle-blowing these days, our noise pollution is out of control. Something had to be done.”
Ford is recalling all remaining 1962 Ford Galaxie 500s due to a recently detected malfunction in the left turn signal. “People have been honking at me for years when I turned left,” explained 86-year-old Ida K. of Keokuk, Iowa. “Now I know why.” The manufacturer gave no explanation for the delay in notifying customers, but is sending each owner a Nixon-Lodge bumper sticker.
The FBI has taken into custody the mastermind of a nationwide pre-school admission network. “I couldn’t resist,” explained one embarrassed ex-pre-school teacher.“ They offered us unlimited quantities of Honey Nut Cheerios® and vintage Legos.® ” Another admitted, “Those Oshkosh® pants were getting a bit snug.”