Led by a desperate father of 9, a group of pistol-packing locals has surrounded the East Camelback Road 7-Eleven for over three days. “We know there’s a 12-roll pack in there,” said Bret S., an off-duty security guard. “And we’re gonna get it.”
The Federal government has ordered 330 million cootie catchers to be manufactured immediately to combat the coronavirus. “We’ve tried everything. This kills the virus instantly,” explained Frederick K., an NIH immunologist. The National Cootie Association has filed a $10 billion anti-defamation lawsuit against the government, claiming cooties have been unfairly targeted for the epidemic.
“We can’t keep up with the demand for these new isolation tanks,” a Hershey spokesperson explained. “When people are stressed, they want chocolate.”
“For the foreseeable future, I plan to wait this thing out soaking in chocolate bliss,” explained Hector L. of Seattle, Washington. “Just hope my Kindle® doesn’t run out of juice.”
An early-morning raid by revenue agents of Mr. Claus’s Canadian headquarters in northern Nunavut yielded evidence linking the famed gift-giver to decades of payments from leading toy, electronics and clothing manufacturers. “I did it for the children,” he explained.
Consumers across America have decided to shun shopping and stay home this year. “I ate so much I may hibernate all winter,” explained one bloated Thanksgiving survivor.” No way I’m standing in the freezing cold at 4am to save 80% on some espresso-latte maker thing. Retail stocks are expected to take a major hit when the market opens.
Looking to take the stress out of air travel, the TSA is testing Insecurity Gates at six major U.S. airports. “We decided to just trust people. So we will be replacing cavity searches and bomb-sniffing dogs with munchies, plush toys, and bear hugs,” explained Rhonda L., a former greeter at Walmart.®
A stick of deodorant and a pack of dental floss turned out to be the final purchases for Jimmy H. of Denver, Colorado. Seconds after scanning both items, a 17-foot register tape shot out of the express checkout machine, wrapping itself around Jimmy’s neck. Seconds later he was dead. The value of his final coupons totaled over $85.00.