Breaking Wind Archives - Page 7 of 8

U.S. to Deport All Americans to Country of Origin

Senate Votes to Give USA a Do-Over.

Hoping to make immigration a non-issue, Congress has passed a new plan to repatriate everyone. “Everybody’s ancestors came over here from somewhere. Even Native-Americans came from Asia,” explained one Congressman. “Now we all get a do-over. Maybe things’ll turn out better than the current mess.” The Federal government plans to use DNA tests to determine countries of origin.

Americans Flock to Russia for Hands-on Election Hacking Training

Charter Flights Quadruple to Troll Farms in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Novosibirsk

“If you can’t beat’em, join ‘em,” explained one traveling voter. “At least I’ll feel like I have some control over the results this time. Plus, I hear the blinis and borscht are pretty tasty, too.”

U.S. to Flood Grand Canyon, Build Resorts, Casino, Olympic Swim Complex

Today’s announcement by the U.S. Department of the Interior means it’s time to say good-bye to an American landmark…and say hello to blackjack and slots. “The prime real estate was just too good to pass up,” explained one official.

Airlines Training Therapy Dogs to Help Stressed Pilots Fly Planes

Major Carriers to Leave the Flying to the Greyhounds

“People don’t realize how crazy it is up there,” explained one pilot. “Crowded skies, crazy passengers, impossible schedules. With a lab or a St. Bernard as my co-pilot, I can finally chill out. And let her stick the landing.”

U.S. Dogs and Cats Form Pet PAC

New Platform Demands More Nutritious Meals and Better Health Insurance

With over 89 million dogs and 96 million cats currently living in the U.S., the two groups have patched up their differences to form America’s largest political action group. When asked how the four-legged creatures will be able to influence politics, a poker-faced calico replied, “We have our ways.”

Bird Poop Attacks Blind Drivers in 10 U.S. Cities

Eco-Extremists Use Sonic Tech to Weaponize Birds

Commuters across America were stunned to see their car windshields coated with falling bird poop yesterday. A group calling itself the “Eye in the Sky” is protesting the nationwide destruction of woodlands and bird preserves. Unnamed sources claim the Pentagon is negotiating with this eco-group to purchase it’s advanced technology

Volcano Spews Nacho Cheese over New Mexico Town

Amazed residents of a northern New Mexico town awoke to find their homes and cars coated with a layer of steaming nacho cheese. “She was due to blow sooner or later,” explained one long-time resident, as flying jalapenos sent many townsfolk ducking for cover. “Guess I’ll be takin’ cheese sandwiches to work for a while.”

Congress Votes to Replace Flawed U.S. Election System with Rock, Paper, Scissors

Vying Candidates to Fling Fingers in Public View to Decide Contests

Citing vulnerability to hacking and frequent recounts, the U.S. is moving to a simpler system. “We may never simplify the tax system,” explained one Congresswoman. “But at least we can dumb this thing down.” Primary candidates will compete in best two-out-of-three. November candidates will make it best four-out-of-seven. Consulting firms specializing in game theory should be quite busy.

Distant Planet Confirms There is Life on Earth

Alert Radio Tech from Andromeda Galaxy Makes Startling Discovery

After monitoring transmissions for 10 years, Jnzzzzzz Xyqqqqqq, an astronomer from the planet GHNZXD, confirmed there is, indeed, life on earth. “We thought an algorithm was creating Earth’s audio track.” But when we heard that sweet reggae music, we knew a bot could not create that.

Hole in Ozone Layer Traced to Nebraska Woman’s Burnt Pie Crust

Environmental Scientists Track Emissions to Merrick County Resident

Guess it’s time for some reading glasses,” admitted Alice S. “Thought I set my oven for 45 minutes. Must’ve missed the extra zero.”