Articles Archives - Page 4 of 9

U.S. to Issue Cootie Catchers to Every American

Retro Children’s Plaything Proves 100% Effective Against Virus

The Federal government has ordered 330 million cootie catchers to be manufactured immediately to combat the coronavirus. “We’ve tried everything. This kills the virus instantly,” explained Frederick K., an NIH immunologist. The National Cootie Association has filed a $10 billion anti-defamation lawsuit against the government, claiming cooties have been unfairly targeted for the epidemic.

Hershey® Swamped with Orders for Chocolate Floatation Tanks

Worried Americans Seeking Cocoa-Filled Isolation to Wait Out Virus

“We can’t keep up with the demand for these new isolation tanks,” a Hershey spokesperson explained. “When people are stressed, they want chocolate.”

“For the foreseeable future, I plan to wait this thing out soaking in chocolate bliss,” explained Hector L. of Seattle, Washington. “Just hope my Kindle® doesn’t run out of juice.”

Christmas Cancelled, Santa Indicted for Kickbacks

Whistleblower Accountant Reveals Over $100 Billion in Payments from Nintendo®, Apple® and Amazon.®

An early-morning raid by revenue agents of Mr. Claus’s Canadian headquarters in northern Nunavut yielded evidence linking the famed gift-giver to decades of payments from leading toy, electronics and clothing manufacturers. “I did it for the children,” he explained.

Black Friday Canceled Due to Lack of Interest

Consumers across America have decided to shun shopping and stay home this year. “I ate so much I may hibernate all winter,” explained one bloated Thanksgiving survivor.” No way I’m standing in the freezing cold at 4am to save 80% on some espresso-latte maker thing. Retail stocks are expected to take a major hit when the market opens.

Runaway Register Tape Strangles Man at Colorado CVS

A stick of deodorant and a pack of dental floss turned out to be the final purchases for Jimmy H. of Denver, Colorado. Seconds after scanning both items, a 17-foot register tape shot out of the express checkout machine, wrapping itself around Jimmy’s neck. Seconds later he was dead. The value of his final coupons totaled over $85.00.

Busy FaceTimer® Fails to Report Nuclear Explosion

“My bad,” lamented Mitchell K. of Portland, Oregon. “I thought it was the sound of my daughter’s first poop on the potty. Didn’t want to miss it.”

Ford Recalls 6,200 1962 Ford Galaxies for Faulty Turn Signal

Ford is recalling all remaining 1962 Ford Galaxie 500s due to a recently detected malfunction in the left turn signal. “People have been honking at me for years when I turned left,” explained 86-year-old Ida K. of Keokuk, Iowa. “Now I know why.” The manufacturer gave no explanation for the delay in notifying customers, but is sending each owner a Nixon-Lodge bumper sticker.

Toddler Impersonators Arrested in Nationwide Pre-School Bribery Scheme

Wealthy Parents Paid Former Teachers to Ace Wechsler and Olsat Admission Tests from Top Nursery Schools

The FBI has taken into custody the mastermind of a nationwide pre-school admission network. “I couldn’t resist,” explained one embarrassed ex-pre-school teacher.“ They offered us unlimited quantities of Honey Nut Cheerios^® and vintage Legos.^® ” Another admitted, “Those Oshkosh^® pants were getting a bit snug.”

Human Interest

Expiring Milk Excited about Retirement

“Going sour doesn’t mean I’ve soured on life,” explained a gallon of 2% milk with an upcoming “use by” date. “Quite the contrary. I’ve got options. I could turn into creamy yogurt, a marinade, skin lotion or add calcium to a garden.” How’s that for a bucket list?

Canada Building Wall to Keep Out Fleeing Americans

4000-Mile Barrier to be Made of Hockey Sticks Cemented with Maple Syrup

Overwhelmed with the flood of disgruntled Americans seeking a new northern home, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs today announced a plan to slow it down. A coast-to-coast barrier. “Lots of you Americans can’t stand new people coming into your country,” explained a Toronto cabbie. “And lots of you can’t stand the people who feel that way. So everybody’s comin’ up here.” That all ends today.