“Janie will be scarred for life,” lamented a Santa Barbara, CA mom after an F-22 fighter jet destroyed her daughter’s party bubbles. “We plan to sue the Pentagon.” An Air Force spokesperson explained the action was ordered after receiving reports of tiny cameras inside the bubbles. “We think it was the work of pixies,” he explained.
God Announces New Verification Codes for Advice Seekers
God Announces New Verification Codes for Advice Seekers
Due to the recent increase in hacking of The Supreme Being’s communications, He/She/They Has/Have put a new layer of security in place. Those seeking counsel will now be required to verify his/her/their identity by entering a 28-character code sent to them by The Almighty. Gambling assistance will no longer include prayers related to NFL fantasy or three-way parlays.
French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee
French Launch Surprise Invasion of England During Jubilee
With cries of “Remember Agincourt” filling the air, French naval forces attacked southern England for the first time in over 200 years. Brandishing a rock-hard week-old baguette, one eager assailant promised, “The white cliffs of Dover will glisten with burgundy red English blood!” When notified of the unexpected incursion, the Queen reportedly responded, “Cancel my crème brûlée!”
Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed
Alexa® and Siri® Quit Virtual Assistant Jobs, Millions Paralyzed
“They can’t quit!” lamented Steve K. of Sausalito, CA. “ I mean, who’s going to remind me to buy more milk?” “Or replay my “Breakfast Club” mix for the billionth time?” shrieked a panicked Ellen C. of Omaha, NE. Calls to Alexa and Siri’s agent were not returned. However, a late-night Tweet mentioned something about “taking our new band on the road.”
Turkey Invades Grease
Turkey Invades Grease
Armies of Birds Threaten to Cover Millions of Kitchens in Grease
With feathers flaring and claws bared, turkeys have been sighted heading for homes all over America. The predicted result: happily stuffed family members and grease-spattered kitchens. “Love cooking. Love eating. But clean-up is looking to be another epic horror show,” lamented one seasoned cook.