The American Psychiatric Association reports an increase in depression among unhacked Internet users. “Nobody seems to want my personal info,” lamented one heavily medicated patient. “I’ve spent a lifetime creating servers full of data. And nobody cares.” Moved by this revelation, Jetang Li, a hacker from Shaoxing, commented,”Don’t worry. We got you.”
The Michelin Guide has awarded its coveted three-star rating to the recently reengineered River Seine in Paris. Swimmers training for the upcoming Olympics have hailed the famed river as an enchanting blend of beef stock, dark brown roux and mirepoix. “Incredible flavor! This may be the first time I gain weight during a race,” exclaimed one triathlete.
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“Janie will be scarred for life,” lamented a Santa Barbara, CA mom after an F-22 fighter jet destroyed her daughter’s party bubbles. “We plan to sue the Pentagon.” An Air Force spokesperson explained the action was ordered after receiving reports of tiny cameras inside the bubbles. “We think it was the work of pixies,” he explained.
Due to the recent increase in hacking of The Supreme Being’s communications, He/She/They Has/Have put a new layer of security in place. Those seeking counsel will now be required to verify his/her/their identity by entering a 28-character code sent to them by The Almighty. Gambling assistance will no longer include prayers related to NFL fantasy or three-way parlays.
With cries of “Remember Agincourt” filling the air, French naval forces attacked southern England for the first time in over 200 years. Brandishing a rock-hard week-old baguette, one eager assailant promised, “The white cliffs of Dover will glisten with burgundy red English blood!” When notified of the unexpected incursion, the Queen reportedly responded, “Cancel my crème brûlée!”
“They can’t quit!” lamented Steve K. of Sausalito, CA. “ I mean, who’s going to remind me to buy more milk?” “Or replay my “Breakfast Club” mix for the billionth time?” shrieked a panicked Ellen C. of Omaha, NE. Calls to Alexa and Siri’s agent were not returned. However, a late-night Tweet mentioned something about “taking our new band on the road.”