Articles Archives - Page 7 of 9

U.S. Announces National Cellphone Amnesty Day

Americans Can Turn in Their Phones and Enter Tech Rehab Facilities

Responding to the alarming increase in phone addiction across the country, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services will be sponsoring National Cellphone Amnesty Day on December 3, 2018. Citizens who turn in their phones will be entitled to enter a free 30-day rehab facility of their choosing. Ongoing counseling and medication will also be available.

Tech

Self-Driving Taxis Offer On-the-Road Therapy to Time-Strapped Riders

Soon you’ll be able to learn how your mother screwed you up on your next trip to the airport. New self-driven taxis have been developed to treat over 136 common neuroses. The time-saving new service threatens to leave traditional office-based shrinks in the dust.

Sports

Furious Pedestrian Checking Fantasy Results Sues ‘Insensitive’ Driver for ‘Invading My Space’

“She should’ve known my client was making a crucial trade on his phone as he was crossing the street,” explained the fantasy fan’s attorney. “I mean, seriously, priorities, people!”

Human Interest

Dead Man Decides to Return to Old Telemarketing Job

“Making 800 calls a day is pretty boring,” explained Jack S. of Phoenix, AZ, who recently returned from the dead. “But try sitting in the dark all day watching bad cable. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.”

Human Interest

Portland, Oregon Maple Tree Accuses Local Resident of Inappropriate Hugging

An attorney representing a Portland, Oregon bigleaf maple has filed suit in district court charging a local hiker with inappropriate hugging and sexual overtures. Speaking through a lawyer, the embarrassed plant said, “He had his organic peanut butter-covered hands all over me. Yuck.”

Sports

Pro Football Scouts Secretly Scan Embryos for Future Talent

Two whistle-blowers have confirmed new in-utero technology that can predict which future kids will be able to run a 4.2 40 or toss a pigskin 70 yards. A pro spokesperson refused to confirm reports of covert labs altering DNA to enhance gridiron skills.

Human Interest

Texas Man Has Actual Shotgun Wedding

“Just fell in love with her pump-action,” explained a proud Fort Worth groom as he stuffed wedding cake down both barrels of his new bride, a gleaming new shotgun. “One day I realized we already go everywhere together, so I figured we might as well make it official.”

Sports

New Rules Allow Pro Quarterbacks to Tase Pass Rushers

Hoping to keep pro football quarterbacks safer than ever, a new rule will allow signal-callers to tase on-rushing defenders. “Dude, how was I supposed to hit a downfield receiver in stride with some huge guy in my face?” explained one relieved QB. “Now I can just zing’em and sling it!”

Human Interest

Trending: Millennials Opting for Jailhouse Chic Design

Seeking new ways to express a minimalist lifestyle, many twenty-somethings are putting bunk-style beds and sink/toilet combos in their living spaces. Influenced by popular TV series like “Orange is the New Black,” “Oz” and “Breakout Kings, furniture and department stores are rushing to hop on the paddy wagon. “Just need a place to crash, wash and poop,” explained one millennial.

Sports

Belichick-Brady Wedding Plans Shock Football World

Plans of the two football icons upcoming nuptials have the league buzzing. “I thought those guys hated each other,” puzzled one pro football player. “Now this! Just hope I get invited.”