Petard News

Government

Iowa Mayor Accused of Random Acts of Kindness Steps Down

Recent accusations from town residents have forced a popular, four-term Iowa mayor to resign. “I couldn’t keep silent anymore,” revealed “concerned citizen” Grace S. “She was just too nice. It started when she agreed to donate her salary to the local pound. And it just got worse.” “The free chocolate chip cookies in city hall are what did it for me,” explained Ralph K. “Just totally inappropriate.”

12 States Planning to Convert U.S. High Schools into Vocational Weapons Factories

Teenage Workers to Manufacturer Enough Guns to Arm Every American

“No more scared, defenseless kids. No more declining enrollment,” explained one state legislator. “Our new factories will teach kids a trade. And they’ll have plenty of time for target practice on breaks. Plus, there’ll be no shortage of AR-15s. It’s pretty much win-win.”

Human Interest

God Announces He/She/They is/are Finally Taking a Vacation

After tens of thousands of years on the job, God plans to take some time off. “I kept rolling over my vacation time year after year. I mean, it was getting ridiculous,” He/She/They explained. Possible vacation spots include Aruba, Tahiti or “some planet I read about where it rains vitaminwater.®”

Sports

New Protective Pro Football Uniforms Expected to Reduce Injuries

Due to the increasing number of concussions and season-ending injuries, the league will introduce new padded uniforms in 2019. “We lost so many players this year, we’ve had to recruit in high schools and nursing homes to find replacements,” lamented one pro coach. “But those new unis should do the trick.” Say good-bye to 4.4 40’s.

U.S. to Build Giant Lego® Wall across Canadian and Mexican Borders

Congress approved emergency funding today for Lego® walls along both U.S. borders. “This way we can keep people from coming in from the south. And escaping to the north,” explained one House member. “Plus, it’ll be a fraction of the cost of installing cinder blocks.”

U.S. Announces National Cellphone Amnesty Day

Americans Can Turn in Their Phones and Enter Tech Rehab Facilities

Responding to the alarming increase in phone addiction across the country, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services will be sponsoring National Cellphone Amnesty Day on December 3, 2018. Citizens who turn in their phones will be entitled to enter a free 30-day rehab facility of their choosing. Ongoing counseling and medication will also be available.

Tech

Self-Driving Taxis Offer On-the-Road Therapy to Time-Strapped Riders

Soon you’ll be able to learn how your mother screwed you up on your next trip to the airport. New self-driven taxis have been developed to treat over 136 common neuroses. The time-saving new service threatens to leave traditional office-based shrinks in the dust.

Sports

Furious Pedestrian Checking Fantasy Results Sues ‘Insensitive’ Driver for ‘Invading My Space’

“She should’ve known my client was making a crucial trade on his phone as he was crossing the street,” explained the fantasy fan’s attorney. “I mean, seriously, priorities, people!”

Human Interest

Dead Man Decides to Return to Old Telemarketing Job

“Making 800 calls a day is pretty boring,” explained Jack S. of Phoenix, AZ, who recently returned from the dead. “But try sitting in the dark all day watching bad cable. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.”

Uncategorized

How much do you trust your bank with your money?

Banks love to talk about trust. Then they take your money and invest it in some wacky real estate mumbo-jumbo. Trusty Bank takes a different approach. You don’t have to trust us. Because we trust you. That’s why every branch has a big table of cash. Stop on by. Take as much as you like. Go ahead. We trust you.

TRUSTY BANK

We put the trust back in banking.