Demanding his lost “Dipey,” 7-month-old Brian J. was able to keep a cabin full of adults on edge for an entire flight across the U.S. After abandoning all hope of a nap, many passengers reportedly started screaming along with Brian. “Next time I’m bringing a suitcase full of pacifiers,” said one groggy traveler.
Recent accusations from town residents have forced a popular, four-term Iowa mayor to resign. “I couldn’t keep silent anymore,” revealed “concerned citizen” Grace S. “She was just too nice. It started when she agreed to donate her salary to the local pound. And it just got worse.” “The free chocolate chip cookies in city hall are what did it for me,” explained Ralph K. “Just totally inappropriate.”
“No more scared, defenseless kids. No more declining enrollment,” explained one state legislator. “Our new factories will teach kids a trade. And they’ll have plenty of time for target practice on breaks. Plus, there’ll be no shortage of AR-15s. It’s pretty much win-win.”
Due to the increasing number of concussions and season-ending injuries, the league will introduce new padded uniforms in 2019. “We lost so many players this year, we’ve had to recruit in high schools and nursing homes to find replacements,” lamented one pro coach. “But those new unis should do the trick.” Say good-bye to 4.4 40’s.
Responding to the alarming increase in phone addiction across the country, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services will be sponsoring National Cellphone Amnesty Day on December 3, 2018. Citizens who turn in their phones will be entitled to enter a free 30-day rehab facility of their choosing. Ongoing counseling and medication will also be available.