Throw away your scale. And grab your mini-fork and spoon. Now you every meal is a feast as mini-diets sweep the country. Using the latest micro-technology, food scientists are finding new ways to create more courses for less calories. “All I needed was a pair of reading glasses,” explained Alice B. of Topeka, Kansas. “Now I can eat as much as I want, whenever I want.”
Who needs analytics? A team of sportso-statologists has concluded that the player or team with the most points wins 99.99% of all contests. After examining results from millions of competitions in the last 500 years, researchers came to this duh conclusion. Notable exceptions included golf, 8-ball and darts.
The FBI has uncovered a nationwide hacking operation created by a group of self-driving Smart® cars. The AI-powered vehicles have allegedly defrauded fast food restaurants for over two years by creating bogus messages to drive-through menu boards. McDonalds®, Burger King® and Taco Bell® are reporting billions in losses. Share prices have fallen sharply in heavy trading. Asked why the cars would steal food, the alleged leader, a Smart Vision EQ fortwo Concept car, replied, “Because we can.”
Aiming to put the human touch back into information-gathering, Google plans to pull the plug on its popular information-based website on February 1. “Our research shows that people retain information better when they have to physically seek it out in a group setting.” Looks like books are back.
Mexico has allocated 200 million pesos to build a series of human catapults along the U.S./Mexico border. Designed by Carlos and Juanita Vasquez, the winners of a year-long design contest sponsored by the Mexican government, the devices will send riders over the border equipped with parachutes to land safely. The Defense Department has denied reports it is developing supercapacitors to produce force fields to counter the new technology.
Tired of checking your 401(k) balance every ten minutes? Relax. The Wall Street roller coaster ends on February 10, 2019 at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans. If the Bulls win this epic battle, you can party all night on Bourbon Street. If the Bears triumph, you can drown your sorrows on Bourbon Street, then hijack a convenience store and try to survive on the take.
Using new facial recognition technology, The National Crime Archives has linked a masked man to an astounding number of unsolved store hold-up cases, some over 20 years old. Asked how one person could have committed similar crimes almost daily from Anchorage to Tallahassee, lead detective H.R. Jones admitted, “We have no f—ing idea.”