Disney^®, McDonald’s^®, Amazon®^® Reportedly Vying to Brand America^®

“Welcome to Chick-fil-A^®’s USA.” That’s what international visitors could be greeted by soon whenever the fierce competition to brand the U.S. is resolved. “Heck, college football’s got the AutoNation Cure Bowl^®. New Orleans has the Mercedes-Benz^® Superdome. Why not Uncle Sam^®?” explained a Treasury official. “This could be the cash cow we’ve been looking for.”

Mega-Trillion Dollar Structure to Seal Continental U.S. in Thermostatically Controlled Environment

“Now that international trade and immigration are history, a national dome was the next logical step,” explained one Congressman. “And with the state-of-the-art sprinkler system, we’ll be able to make it rain anywhere we need to, whenever we want.”

Women to Populate Northeast and Southwest. Men to Live in Southeast and Northwest.

“With so many issues between the sexes, separation seemed like the best solution,” explained one Congressman. People wanting to have children will be able to opt for artificial insemination or travel to designated breeding barges in the Mississippi River. Custody of children will be determined by a lottery system. LGBTQ, pan-sexual and others with non-traditional preferences will be free to move between both regions. Sales of man cave and she shed items are expected to skyrocket.

“Party reveal” celebrations to replace gender reveal parties

In another sign of an increasingly polarized electorate, a new law will mandate party preferences by expecting parents. In anticipation, U.S. hospitals are planning to create separate red and blue nurseries. Red and blue are the new pink and blue.

Senate Votes to Give USA a Do-Over.

Hoping to make immigration a non-issue, Congress has passed a new plan to repatriate everyone. “Everybody’s ancestors came over here from somewhere. Even Native-Americans came from Asia,” explained one Congressman. “Now we all get a do-over. Maybe things’ll turn out better than the current mess.” The Federal government plans to use DNA tests to determine countries of origin.

Charter Flights Quadruple to Troll Farms in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Novosibirsk

“If you can’t beat’em, join ‘em,” explained one traveling voter. “At least I’ll feel like I have some control over the results this time. Plus, I hear the blinis and borscht are pretty tasty, too.”

Today’s announcement by the U.S. Department of the Interior means it’s time to say good-bye to an American landmark…and say hello to blackjack and slots. “The prime real estate was just too good to pass up,” explained one official.

New Platform Demands More Nutritious Meals and Better Health Insurance

With over 89 million dogs and 96 million cats currently living in the U.S., the two groups have patched up their differences to form America’s largest political action group. When asked how the four-legged creatures will be able to influence politics, a poker-faced calico replied, “We have our ways.”

Vying Candidates to Fling Fingers in Public View to Decide Contests

Citing vulnerability to hacking and frequent recounts, the U.S. is moving to a simpler system. “We may never simplify the tax system,” explained one Congresswoman. “But at least we can dumb this thing down.” Primary candidates will compete in best two-out-of-three. November candidates will make it best four-out-of-seven. Consulting firms specializing in game theory should be quite busy.