Soon you’ll be able to diagnose and treat yourself without wasting hundreds of hours on hold or in crowded doctors’ offices and hospitals. A few minutes with the Operation game and you’ll get right to the heart of the problem. Talk about affordable care!
Demanding his lost “Dipey,” 7-month-old Brian J. was able to keep a cabin full of adults on edge for an entire flight across the U.S. After abandoning all hope of a nap, many passengers reportedly started screaming along with Brian. “Next time I’m bringing a suitcase full of pacifiers,” said one groggy traveler.
“No more scared, defenseless kids. No more declining enrollment,” explained one state legislator. “Our new factories will teach kids a trade. And they’ll have plenty of time for target practice on breaks. Plus, there’ll be no shortage of AR-15s. It’s pretty much win-win.”
Responding to the alarming increase in phone addiction across the country, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services will be sponsoring National Cellphone Amnesty Day on December 3, 2018. Citizens who turn in their phones will be entitled to enter a free 30-day rehab facility of their choosing. Ongoing counseling and medication will also be available.
“Welcome to Chick-fil-A®’s USA.” That’s what international visitors could be greeted by soon whenever the fierce competition to brand the U.S. is resolved. “Heck, college football’s got the AutoNation Cure Bowl®. New Orleans has the Mercedes-Benz® Superdome. Why not Uncle Sam®?” explained a Treasury official. “This could be the cash cow we’ve been looking for.”
“Now that international trade and immigration are history, a national dome was the next logical step,” explained one Congressman. “And with the state-of-the-art sprinkler system, we’ll be able to make it rain anywhere we need to, whenever we want.”
“With so many issues between the sexes, separation seemed like the best solution,” explained one Congressman. People wanting to have children will be able to opt for artificial insemination or travel to designated breeding barges in the Mississippi River. Custody of children will be determined by a lottery system. LGBTQ, pan-sexual and others with non-traditional preferences will be free to move between both regions. Sales of man cave and she shed items are expected to skyrocket.
In another sign of an increasingly polarized electorate, a new law will mandate party preferences by expecting parents. In anticipation, U.S. hospitals are planning to create separate red and blue nurseries. Red and blue are the new pink and blue.