An attorney representing a Portland, Oregon bigleaf maple has filed suit in district court charging a local hiker with inappropriate hugging and sexual overtures. Speaking through a lawyer, the embarrassed plant said, “He had his organic peanut butter-covered hands all over me. Yuck.”

Seeking new ways to express a minimalist lifestyle, many twenty-somethings are putting bunk-style beds and sink/toilet combos in their living spaces. Influenced by popular TV series like “Orange is the New Black,” “Oz” and “Breakout Kings, furniture and department stores are rushing to hop on the paddy wagon. “Just need a place to crash, wash and poop,” explained one millennial.

“I always knew he’d come back,” said an exultant Shania S. of Koala, Arkansas. “I still remember that day in 1999. One minute Bob and I were folding little Eddie’s Rugrats® bedsheets. The next minute my Bob was gone. Now he’s back. And to think we were worried about Y2K.”

Bored with all those “bright, spinning plastic thingies,” two-year-olds have set up their own trading exchange. “People need to stop treating us like babies,” explained Kimmy, one of the mini-masterminds. “Our parents really have no idea what we’re into.”.

Blaming confusing symbols, Elmo S. of Seattle, Washington got his arm stuck trying to get back the pad thai container he’d tossed into the wrong slot. “I would rather lose a limb than add to the mountain of trash clogging our city dumps,” he explained proudly.