Tucson Stoner Finds 7-Eleven® Snacks Make You Immune to COVID

“Dude, forget the vaccine lines,” reported an excited Jason K. of Red Rock. “Just get some Takis,® Sweet Sriracha Bacon Jerky, nacho cheese and a Blue Shock Mountain Dew® Slurpee® at 7-Eleven.® Toss’em in a blender, down the hatch and, bam, you’re immune!” The high school senior tested his theory by working part-time in a local COVID ward for a month. “That mix is nasty. It totally crushed the virus.” A bidding war has already developed between Pfizer® and Frito-Lay® for Jason’s breakthrough formula.