U.S. to Issue Cootie Catchers to Every American

Retro Children’s Plaything Proves 100% Effective Against Virus

The Federal government has ordered 330 million cootie catchers to be manufactured immediately to combat the coronavirus. “We’ve tried everything. This kills the virus instantly,” explained Frederick K., an NIH immunologist. The National Cootie Association has filed a $10 billion anti-defamation lawsuit against the government, claiming cooties have been unfairly targeted for the epidemic.