CDC Hires Pied Piper to Rid U.S. of Deadly Germs

Legendary Pest Destroyer Plans to Lead Viruses into the Ocean

Deeming him our “last hope,” a CDC official confirmed the Pied Piper will soon begin playing his pipe flute all over the U.S. “He got the pigs to follow him when swine flu broke out in 2009,” she explained. “We’ve got our fingers crossed.”