Hoping to keep pro football quarterbacks safer than ever, a new rule will allow signal-callers to tase on-rushing defenders. “Dude, how was I supposed to hit a downfield receiver in stride with some huge guy in my face?” explained one relieved QB. “Now I can just zing’em and sling it!”

Plans of the two football icons upcoming nuptials have the league buzzing. “I thought those guys hated each other,” puzzled one pro football player. “Now this! Just hope I get invited.”

Responding to fan complaints about “dumb replay calls any idiot can see are wrong,” pro football is adding a new feature called “Replay Replay.” Now you’ll be able to watch a frame-by-frame replay of what actually goes on in a replay booth. Did the reply official gag on a chicken wing, distracting him from missing a crucial toe touch? You’ll be able to play it back again and again and again. Advertisers are excited at the prospect of replay breaks doubling or tripling in length.