Iowa Mayor Accused of Random Acts of Kindness Steps Down

Iowa Mayor Accused of Random Acts of Kindness Steps Down

Recent accusations from town residents have forced a popular, four-term Iowa mayor to resign. “I couldn’t keep silent anymore,” revealed “concerned citizen” Grace S. “She was just too nice. It started when she agreed to donate her salary to the local pound. And it just got worse.” “The free chocolate chip cookies in city hall are what did it for me,” explained Ralph K. “Just totally inappropriate.”

12 States Planning to Convert U.S. High Schools into Vocational Weapons Factories

12 States Planning to Convert U.S. High Schools into Vocational Weapons Factories

Teenage Workers to Manufacturer Enough Guns to Arm Every American

“No more scared, defenseless kids. No more declining enrollment,” explained one state legislator. “Our new factories will teach kids a trade. And they’ll have plenty of time for target practice on breaks. Plus, there’ll be no shortage of AR-15s. It’s pretty much win-win.”

USA® to Sell Naming Rights to Wipe Out National Debt

USA® to Sell Naming Rights to Wipe Out National Debt

Disney®, McDonald’s®, Amazon®® Reportedly Vying to Brand America®

“Welcome to Chick-fil-A®’s USA.” That’s what international visitors could be greeted by soon whenever the fierce competition to brand the U.S. is resolved. “Heck, college football’s got the AutoNation Cure Bowl®. New Orleans has the Mercedes-Benz® Superdome. Why not Uncle Sam®?” explained a Treasury official. “This could be the cash cow we’ve been looking for.”

Congress Repeals U.S. Constitution

Congress Repeals U.S. Constitution

Deemed Too Hard to Enforce, Historic Document to be Auctioned Off on eBay®

Suggesting Americans should just, “Deal with it,” House and Senate members endorsed a historic vote to repeal the U.S. Constitution. “We just got tired of fighting about it,” explained one Congressional member. “So we decided to scrap it. Heck, I’m sure somebody’ll come up with something. After all, this is America.”

Emojis Plan 2020 Presidential Run

Emojis Plan 2020 Presidential Run

New Polls Show High Likeability, Low Negatives for Popular Icons

Citing results from advanced election polling, a number of emojis are seriously considering a run in 2020. While jovial “Sunny” emoji is the early favorite, “Eyeglass” emoji is trending well among voters with advanced degrees. Voters with an optimistic outlook craving simplified government seem to be drawn to emoji candidates.

U.S.A. to Split into Male and Female Regions

U.S.A. to Split into Male and Female Regions

Women to Populate Northeast and Southwest. Men to Live in Southeast and Northwest.

“With so many issues between the sexes, separation seemed like the best solution,” explained one Congressman. People wanting to have children will be able to opt for artificial insemination or travel to designated breeding barges in the Mississippi River. Custody of children will be determined by a lottery system. LGBTQ, pan-sexual and others with non-traditional preferences will be free to move between both regions. Sales of man cave and she shed items are expected to skyrocket.